I guess you can say that I am getting per-graduation jitters. I'm getting more and more daunted of what the future has to offer. So far, I have applied to 0 jobs, so, as you can imagine, I have gotten 0 offers. There have been a few companies who have been interested, however, they all end up being recruiting jobs, something that I am not looking for in my future.
What scares me the most is the fact that I will be moving forward with my life, and it may be without the people that have always been there for me. Being alone has always been a subject I thought I understood. I thought that even when being surrounded by the people who brought you laughter and joy, it could leave you feeling alone. But, in my case, it never really has left that feeling in me. The concept of "being alone" is still a mysterious phenomenon I will probably not understand until I graduate from college. I will most likely be living alone in a city filled with pathways that, for the first time ever, I will have to tread down alone.
But it will be a good thing for me to go off, treading away from everything that is familiar. I'm not ready to settle down in just one place. I want to be able to say that I lived in different cities, maybe even in different countries. I want to be able to tell my friends (that end up staying my friends) that I met interesting people who told me stories of their crazy adventures that I should experience. I know, it's a rare case that this will actually happen to me, but I can dream and be optimistic about it.
I trailed off subject a little, but I've always tended to do that. I shouldn't really be afraid. I have a very caring family who will take care of me if I can't find work. But, it's not something that feels right to me. My parents have sacrificed way to much for me because I ended up being the black sheep in our four count family. My mom has always told me that my brother may be smart (he currently goes to Yale and is doing his Ph.D in Chemistry), but there are qualities in me that he doesn't have, but should and it goes vice versa. Sometimes, I wish I was as smart as my brother so I wouldn't find it so hard to get through f***ing Uni. BTW, I am taking 18 credit hours this semester, along with 12 hours/week of work at the Recreation Center, plus doing officer duties (mind you, I don't JUST do duties of my own) for American Marketing Association. So, yeah, I have a lot of things going on my plate right now.
I keep slamming my hand on the stress button that is in my brain. It's like I have some disorder which won't stop me from continuously hitting it. I may not show that I am stressed out of my f***ing brains, but trust me, I'm about to blow at any moment...
Truthfully, 90% is ready for me to to walk across that stage and throw a huge middle finger out to those who doubted my ability to succeed. But then, 10% of me is wondering:
What the hell am I going to do once I step down from that stage? I guess we'll find out, less than a month to go.
No comments:
Post a Comment